A Glimpse into my Journey with an Eating Disorder

I have battled in my mind a lot on whether or not I ever thought I would write about this.  Was it something I wanted others to know?  Was it going to look like a cry for attention?  Would people think of me as weak (my actual biggest fear due to my obsession with perfection)?  But as something that controls my thoughts and actions constantly, I want to share this intimate part of me with others, and I don’t want to feel the shame of my struggles.

I was sitting in an identity workshop a few weeks ago and was internally reflecting on what my identities were.  The obvious ones came to mind easily, I am a white, cis-gendered, hetero female.  But reflecting further beyond the things society has taught us to put an easy label on, my mind kept circuling to one central thought of who I am.  I am someone who lives with eating disorders.

The whole story of my journey with body dysmorphia, obsession over how I am percieved, my need for control, and the actions indicative of eating disorders is impossible to share in one blog post. To complete the full story of why, we would have to start at the beginning of my life, but I could write a whole other blog post about that. I’ll briefly talk about my childhood and when things started, but mostly, I am going to share how I cope, what I struggle with, and how seeing a professional and opening up to those who love me has helped me grow stronger.

Since I was young, I have fantasized the idea of death in my mind.  I was never seen as a sad kid/teen/adult, in fact I am usually known for being quite the opposite. Loud and energetic are the two most common words I hear used to describe me.  However,  in the middle of my sophomore year of college, this thought of death was the thing that took up all of my thoughts.  I would have anxiety attacks extremely often, miss class because I did not want to get out of bed, convince myself those around me hated me, and most importantly make lists, sometimes in my head, other times in the notes section of my phone, of reasons why those around me should hate and why I hate myself.  One of my close friends, Lauren, encouraged me to sign up to go to counseling.  Others had mentioned it before, but having this close friend constantly be pushing me to take that step helped me realize someone DID care about me.  It was then that these thoughts that I had thought were normal, were not.  I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and as I eventually divulged more in therapy, I was referred to another counseling center that specialized in eating disorders.

I had been purging since I was a sophomore in high school, restricting my diet and obsessing over calories in silence since I was 13, but I would have never thought that I would actually be told one day, “You have an eating disorder”, let alone did I think I would hear “You fit the descriptions of three different eating disorders”.  After hearing these words, it was like so many puzzle pieces fell together.  It made sense to me that I would get so many cavities.  It made sense to me that I always had acid reflux.  It made sense to me that I would get hiccups everytime I ate because I would eat my food so fast.  Later in therapy I learned more about body dysmorphia and how it has been controlling my life since elementary school.

Through all of these diagnoses being thrown my way,  it offered me an answer I had been wanting.  WHY.  Why did I struggle so much with this.  It simultaneously offered me comfort of having an answer while also making me feel weak and ashamed.  The shame came mostly from the same origins as the eating disorders themself,  I wanted to be perfect, and I wanted to be in control of what others thought of me.  I slowly started to share with those close to me, and the responses made things feel better and some made things worse.  “I don’t see you struggling with that”, “I have never seen you not eat”, “We don’t see you doing those things around us”.  Which often ended with me responding “Well yeah, I didn’t want you to see it”.  I was a master at hiding who I was.  I have struggled a lot of my life to make actual deep connections with people and hold on to them, and I still do at times.  However, the responses that were filled with love and support are the ones that I remember most.  My friends are the reason I am able to talk about this all now.

I wish I could say that through my therapy and the love I have gotten I have moved on from this identity and am practicing healthy eating habits.  At times that is true, but at others it seems impossible for me to think of not keeping track of everything I eat.  It seems impossible for me not to look in every reflective surface around me to evaluate how I look. I have come to view my eating disorder similarily to how someone would view a toxic friend.  You can often recognize they are not always helping you, but the idea of relying on them can bring you a lot of comfort.  You know them better than anyone else, and most importantly you believe they know you better than anyone else.  My eating disorder is a voice in my head constantly talking to me.  And sometimes it is hard as hell to tell it to shut up.  But I have learned some things through working with a professional that help me silence that voice.

1. Is there any evidence? : When I am feeling like others hate me for not being enough, when I feel like I am failing,  my counselor ( I consider her one of my best friends lol) has taught me to try as hard as I can to stop this irrational thoughts and try and make them rational by trying to make a list of actual phsyical evidence that proves that.  SPOILER ALERT: There usually is no evidence.  Additionally,  I try and find evidence that proves the exact opposite, that I am loved, that I am killing the game, and I am a strong powerhouse of a female.
2. Lets create some nueropathways yo:  I wake up every day and I fall asleep every night by telling myself things I love about myself (yeah some days are a lot harder, so I just fake it but the end result is that I feel a lot better).  I repeat in my head that I am loved.  I look in the mirror and say out loud “these legs help me walk”, “these arms let me hug the people I love”.  Saying things and thinking positive thoughts more often allows them to travel faster in your brain due to the strengthing of the nueropathways that these thoughts travel across.
3. Music:  I am sure it is a surprise to no one that music is one of my favorite coping mechanisms.  When my thoughts are going crazy and I feel like I cannot control them in that moment, I take a step back, turn of the lights, lay on my bed, and sing my favorite songs.  It’s amazing.  Big fan. (extra points if I get my lavender essential oils going too)
4. Writing: I am not going to lie, there are a lot of times when I cannot freaking stand to write.  I hate journaling a lot at times.  But I know it helps me, so I have found ways to make me enjoy it more. This usually includes going somewhere I love or listening to music I love while I journal.

For me, my eating disorder centers around the idea of control.  I want to control how I look, how others percieve me, and how I perceive myself.  I know this is not how everyone else experiences their eating disorders.  I know unhealthy relationships with food exist even for those who don’t identify or have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder.  I don’t expect sympathy, but I want to share who I am with others.  Also,  I know a lot of others struggle with similar issues and I have learned that one thing that helps me the most is deeper connections with others.  This is only a fraction of my story, and it does NOT define me.  However, it is a part of me, and part of being able to love myself is being able to love the parts of me that aren’t perfect.

Much love to those who show me endless love, those who have let me open up to them, and those who are struggling with any issue.

Thank you.

 

Additionally, here are some things that really grind my gears in relation to this topic:

1. When people make assumptions about people with eating disorders and the validity of these eating disorders based solely on their physical size.
2. When someone is hungry and says “I’m starving”
3. When people believe that body dysmoprhia is simply not liking the way you look
4. When people see someone who is thin and say “they need to eat a cheeseburger”

A Bear…in a Safari?

Growing up, I was always extremely independent and had no fear of going off into the world on my own.  However, as the realization that I would soon have to move away from the town and house that I had lived in my whole life and away from my family I slowly started to sense fear creeping into me.  I was scared of leaving my two best friends; both of which I had been friends with since I was a little kid.  My home, Jonesville, had always been a place I never thought I would miss, but the thought of leaving my little town scared me.

Despite the fear, I packed up and moved 2 hours away to a town that my 3 older siblings had experienced before me with optimistic thoughts about what I was going to face.  I wanted these next years to be some of the best memories of my life.  I wanted to make lifelong friends.  I wanted to know what all my siblings were talking about when they said that CMU is the best college in the world.  I realized within a week that all of these things I wanted were going to happen and that my life at CMU was going to exceed my expectations.

My first week at CMU was filled with speakers and team building exercises.  Leadership Safari is a program put on by CMU that is intended for incoming freshman and transfer students who want to make new connections at Central and build their leadership skills.  Everyone attending Leadership Safari is placed into small groups that are named after animals (mine being Team Bear) and have a team leader.  Throughout the week you and your team go to motivational speakers, slam poets, and comedians.  You also spend a lot of time working on team building with your team, and you are able to really get to know your fellow team members through discussions after each event.

Mama Blair and her cubs

The part of safari that had the largest impact on me was the speaker we had the last night.  When I was younger I would watch The Buried Life on MTV.  The Buried Life was a show featuring a group of guys who spent their lives checking off tasks from their bucket list.  So, when I heard that Ben Nemtin, one of the guys from the Buried Life, was going to be our speaker, I was super excited.  To some it may seem cliche to have someone sitting in front of you telling you to live your dreams, but the message that was being given was a lot deeper than just “whatever you want to do, do it.” Sure, following your dream was a large part of the message, but I think that the most important message in following your dreams is to make sure you don’t let fear control your life and keep you from your dreams or any other great opportunity.  Pushing past your fear can lead you to not only change your life but also inspire others.  While he was speaking, Ben put a microphone in the middle of McGuirk Arena for people to come down and tell all of safari what they wanted to do before they died.  Naturally, a bundle of people came down to the microphone and shared, but there was one girl who inspired me the most.  She came down to the microphone and said that before she died she wanted to sing in front of a full stadium.  And then she did.  She sang in front of almost 2000 people at safari.  You could tell she was nervous at first, but as the song she was singing continued she grew more confident. Everyone has a dream, and it is easy for everyone to say what they want to do before they die because no one thinks they are going to die tomorrow.  Everyone thinks that living their dream is something that is far in the future that they don’t have to worry about today.  However, this girl had the guts to live her dream that day.  As I listened to her I felt goosebumps growing on my arms because in that moment I was so inspired to live my dreams too.

As someone who was filled with fear before I moved in, I can honestly say pushing through the fear of a whole new world and life has allowed me to make a new home out of Central Michigan University.