A Glimpse into my Journey with an Eating Disorder

I have battled in my mind a lot on whether or not I ever thought I would write about this.  Was it something I wanted others to know?  Was it going to look like a cry for attention?  Would people think of me as weak (my actual biggest fear due to my obsession with perfection)?  But as something that controls my thoughts and actions constantly, I want to share this intimate part of me with others, and I don’t want to feel the shame of my struggles.

I was sitting in an identity workshop a few weeks ago and was internally reflecting on what my identities were.  The obvious ones came to mind easily, I am a white, cis-gendered, hetero female.  But reflecting further beyond the things society has taught us to put an easy label on, my mind kept circuling to one central thought of who I am.  I am someone who lives with eating disorders.

The whole story of my journey with body dysmorphia, obsession over how I am percieved, my need for control, and the actions indicative of eating disorders is impossible to share in one blog post. To complete the full story of why, we would have to start at the beginning of my life, but I could write a whole other blog post about that. I’ll briefly talk about my childhood and when things started, but mostly, I am going to share how I cope, what I struggle with, and how seeing a professional and opening up to those who love me has helped me grow stronger.

Since I was young, I have fantasized the idea of death in my mind.  I was never seen as a sad kid/teen/adult, in fact I am usually known for being quite the opposite. Loud and energetic are the two most common words I hear used to describe me.  However,  in the middle of my sophomore year of college, this thought of death was the thing that took up all of my thoughts.  I would have anxiety attacks extremely often, miss class because I did not want to get out of bed, convince myself those around me hated me, and most importantly make lists, sometimes in my head, other times in the notes section of my phone, of reasons why those around me should hate and why I hate myself.  One of my close friends, Lauren, encouraged me to sign up to go to counseling.  Others had mentioned it before, but having this close friend constantly be pushing me to take that step helped me realize someone DID care about me.  It was then that these thoughts that I had thought were normal, were not.  I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and as I eventually divulged more in therapy, I was referred to another counseling center that specialized in eating disorders.

I had been purging since I was a sophomore in high school, restricting my diet and obsessing over calories in silence since I was 13, but I would have never thought that I would actually be told one day, “You have an eating disorder”, let alone did I think I would hear “You fit the descriptions of three different eating disorders”.  After hearing these words, it was like so many puzzle pieces fell together.  It made sense to me that I would get so many cavities.  It made sense to me that I always had acid reflux.  It made sense to me that I would get hiccups everytime I ate because I would eat my food so fast.  Later in therapy I learned more about body dysmorphia and how it has been controlling my life since elementary school.

Through all of these diagnoses being thrown my way,  it offered me an answer I had been wanting.  WHY.  Why did I struggle so much with this.  It simultaneously offered me comfort of having an answer while also making me feel weak and ashamed.  The shame came mostly from the same origins as the eating disorders themself,  I wanted to be perfect, and I wanted to be in control of what others thought of me.  I slowly started to share with those close to me, and the responses made things feel better and some made things worse.  “I don’t see you struggling with that”, “I have never seen you not eat”, “We don’t see you doing those things around us”.  Which often ended with me responding “Well yeah, I didn’t want you to see it”.  I was a master at hiding who I was.  I have struggled a lot of my life to make actual deep connections with people and hold on to them, and I still do at times.  However, the responses that were filled with love and support are the ones that I remember most.  My friends are the reason I am able to talk about this all now.

I wish I could say that through my therapy and the love I have gotten I have moved on from this identity and am practicing healthy eating habits.  At times that is true, but at others it seems impossible for me to think of not keeping track of everything I eat.  It seems impossible for me not to look in every reflective surface around me to evaluate how I look. I have come to view my eating disorder similarily to how someone would view a toxic friend.  You can often recognize they are not always helping you, but the idea of relying on them can bring you a lot of comfort.  You know them better than anyone else, and most importantly you believe they know you better than anyone else.  My eating disorder is a voice in my head constantly talking to me.  And sometimes it is hard as hell to tell it to shut up.  But I have learned some things through working with a professional that help me silence that voice.

1. Is there any evidence? : When I am feeling like others hate me for not being enough, when I feel like I am failing,  my counselor ( I consider her one of my best friends lol) has taught me to try as hard as I can to stop this irrational thoughts and try and make them rational by trying to make a list of actual phsyical evidence that proves that.  SPOILER ALERT: There usually is no evidence.  Additionally,  I try and find evidence that proves the exact opposite, that I am loved, that I am killing the game, and I am a strong powerhouse of a female.
2. Lets create some nueropathways yo:  I wake up every day and I fall asleep every night by telling myself things I love about myself (yeah some days are a lot harder, so I just fake it but the end result is that I feel a lot better).  I repeat in my head that I am loved.  I look in the mirror and say out loud “these legs help me walk”, “these arms let me hug the people I love”.  Saying things and thinking positive thoughts more often allows them to travel faster in your brain due to the strengthing of the nueropathways that these thoughts travel across.
3. Music:  I am sure it is a surprise to no one that music is one of my favorite coping mechanisms.  When my thoughts are going crazy and I feel like I cannot control them in that moment, I take a step back, turn of the lights, lay on my bed, and sing my favorite songs.  It’s amazing.  Big fan. (extra points if I get my lavender essential oils going too)
4. Writing: I am not going to lie, there are a lot of times when I cannot freaking stand to write.  I hate journaling a lot at times.  But I know it helps me, so I have found ways to make me enjoy it more. This usually includes going somewhere I love or listening to music I love while I journal.

For me, my eating disorder centers around the idea of control.  I want to control how I look, how others percieve me, and how I perceive myself.  I know this is not how everyone else experiences their eating disorders.  I know unhealthy relationships with food exist even for those who don’t identify or have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder.  I don’t expect sympathy, but I want to share who I am with others.  Also,  I know a lot of others struggle with similar issues and I have learned that one thing that helps me the most is deeper connections with others.  This is only a fraction of my story, and it does NOT define me.  However, it is a part of me, and part of being able to love myself is being able to love the parts of me that aren’t perfect.

Much love to those who show me endless love, those who have let me open up to them, and those who are struggling with any issue.

Thank you.

 

Additionally, here are some things that really grind my gears in relation to this topic:

1. When people make assumptions about people with eating disorders and the validity of these eating disorders based solely on their physical size.
2. When someone is hungry and says “I’m starving”
3. When people believe that body dysmoprhia is simply not liking the way you look
4. When people see someone who is thin and say “they need to eat a cheeseburger”

A New Summer’s Resolution

A lot of people have New Year’s resolutions, but as I move home and reflect about the past year at my freshman year of college, I realize I have learned a lot about myself.  There were parts of the year that were the hardest parts of my life to this point, and there were parts of the year that were the happiest I have ever been.  However, from this point forward I only want things to get better.  I don’t want those hard parts back. So from this summer and every day after, my resolution is to not let the hard parts repeat.

Before coming to college I was extremely happy.  I was one of the people who loved high school; I thrived in high school.  I thought going to college would automatically be the same way, and since I was the top of my class in high school and involved in everything and able to have a friendly conversation with anyone that passed by that I was going to be successful and that everything in life was going to be easy. I realized quickly within my first few days of college that was not true.  Things were not as easy as they were in high school and I became obsessed with the idea that I peaked in high school.  This thought consumed me. I became my over analytical self that over thinks and over interprets every situation to think that I am doing something completely wrong with my life if everything isn’t going absolutely perfect.  I believe that every door that is closed is a door that is closed because I somehow screwed everything up.

This year I quickly learned how bad that mentality is.  Never having to deal with it much in high school, I never realized how harsh I was on myself.  My plans for freshman year were not exactly as I planned, and as things went off track I got more and more angry at myself, and I became obsessed with thinking that something had to be wrong with me if I wasn’t the social butterfly, the best student, and the over-involved person that I had been in the past.  It is then that I began subconsciously degrading myself with every chance I got.  It started out not that bad, but it quickly escalated me to saying “I hate myself” as a quick joke anytime I did something that was not entirely as I planned.  It became a “joke” to me to joke about how I felt ugly, or like I was a mess, or awkward, or stupid, or out of place.   I started pointing out my flaws that way if other people noticed them they would think that it was something I knew about and just lived with it because I thought that would make me look stronger.  I was foolish enough to think that joking about disliking myself would make me look stronger.

However, it wasn’t a joke.  I legitimately began to dislike myself as I person.  I stopped thinking of myself as someone who is smart.  I stopped thinking of myself as someone who could talk and have a meaningful conversation with anyone.  I tried to distance myself away from people because I wanted to seem independent because in the past I was independent without trying to be.  I wanted to look the part that way people would notice, so then I would feel like I actually was who I used to be.

It was hard because I felt so different.  I felt so disconnected from friends at home and friends at school.  I felt like I wasn’t close with anyone because there was something wrong with me.  In reality there is nothing wrong with me except the way I treat myself.  When I am constantly “joking” and degrading myself it takes a toll on me without me fully understanding it at the time.

It is because of all of this and so much more than I could fit into this blog that my new summer’s resolution is to stop punishing myself for not being the same person I was a year ago, and embrace myself for who I am now.

For anyone else who needs some help learning to love them self here is a video that helps 🙂

525,600 minutes; how do you measure a year?

To say the past year has been a whirlwind of emotions is to say the least. Through this year I have experienced so much growth in such a short amount of time.  As I look back over my freshman year at Central, it astounds me that 1 year ago I didn’t even know these people, but now they are my best friends.  So, here is a quick recap of the roller-coaster ride that was freshman year. (Cue the song Closer by the Chainsmokers).

When I packed my car the night before move-in day, it still hadn’t hit me yet.  My family had a bonfire with my grandparents and aunts and uncles to say goodbye, but the night was hitting an end and I still didn’t feel the sadness that I should have been feeling about leaving my home, my small little town, and my family.   I was saying my goodbyes and everything was casual, until it was time to say goodbye to my brother.  My brother is 11 years older than me, and even as little kids we were two tripping peas in one far off pod (lol).  He isn’t a super emotional dude, so I figured it would be a hug and an I love you and that would be that.  When we were hugging though he started to tear up and said “it’s just gonna be weird not seeing you everyday”.  It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how different things were going to be.  That was the first time I got sad about leaving home, and I blame him for me not getting on sleep the night before coming to school because I was so sad and scared that I couldn’t calm down enough to sleep.  The next day I should have been very happy to be moving in to start my year at college, but all I knew is that I was sad, and saying goodbye to family made me even more upset.  I tried to hide it, but through the first week I missed my family so much that I had a hard time enjoying myself.

That when my roomies come in.  S/O to my roommates (+Logan Palm) for putting up with my crazy weird self.  First semester I was all over the place.  I tried to hide it from my fam, but I was not my happiest self.  Thinking back on it I was my own worst enemy.  I loved high school, and coming into college I instantly expected every single friendship and experience to be better high school.  I was constantly comparing things, and I was never fully letting myself enjoy my self.  It was through this time that I made some of my best friends.  Logan Palm (LJP) became my best friend in such a short amount of time.  He helped me when I was sad and was considering maybe Central was the reason I wasn’t happy. But Central wasn’t the problem, it was me.  I learned quickly that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way, and I met my other best friend Kristina Slifco.  Kristina and me quickly became best pals, and it is crazy to me to think that I ever lived my life without her.   Kristina and Logan are the reason that I found my way to be my happiest self at CMU.

As rough as first semester was, I can honestly say that second semester has been the best half a year of my life.  This semester has allowed me to find my comfort here at CMU and learn what I need to do to make my self successful and happy.  This semester brought me the best friends I could have, and I think that has made all the difference.  Kristina and I continued to stay as close as ever (we are literally connected at the hip) (marathon hangouts).  On the real though, this semester I became best pals with Lucas Gustafson, and no person has brought me more chuckles than that kid. Lucas and Kristina are two people that I have the time of my life with even when we are doing nothing.   The three of us are never short on laughs, and when one of us leaves for even 24 hours we instantly all miss each other (we’re annoying I know).

As happy as I am now to be at CMU, I still think a lot about how much I struggled first semester.  I think the hardest part was thinking that no one else felt that way.  After talking to people who were older than me I quickly learned that it is a normal thing.  I think knowing that I felt that way is what makes me so thankful for CMU now.  I know that Central is my home and I could not imagine myself being any happier anywhere else.

You are probably reading this thinking “what the heck, what about her roommates?!?!?!”, but I was just saving that for last.  I got lucky enough to have roomies that were just as goofy as I am.  My roommate Molly is one of my best friends.  I am going to miss her like crazy next year while she is at the Disney College Program.

Some of best mems at CMU:

• Walking all the way to Kroger then to downtown then back to Barnes in the middle of night with Krisp
• Car jam sessions with Lucas and Kristina
• Acquiring the nicknames: Trash, Shleigh, Ash Varn, Trash Varn
• Pulling my first all nighter (feat. Lucas)
• Random dance parties w roomies

I am looking forward to next year and making more memories with the people I love at the school that I love. Fire Up Chips.

 

 

Protected: Finding My Place on Campus

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

The Muggle World of Emma Watson

Emma Watson is seen as a beautiful and graceful actress who starred in one of the best film series of all time.  However, she is one of my biggest role models for many more reasons than that.  Here are a few:

1. She pours her life into her passions.                                                                               Emma took the opportunity after finishing Harry Potter to go to college to get an Education because it was something she was passionate about.  She started a campaign about feminism because it is something she was passionate about.  She devotes her life to charities because it is something she is passionate about.  Emma Watson lives her life through what she feels is important to her in the world.
2. She stands up for what she believes in.                                                                                         Emma Watson saw a change she wanted to make, so she launched a campaign to raise awareness for women’s rights around the world.  At such a young age she has made a large impact by making her voice heard and helping others all over the world.  She also has worked with the United Nations to help make her voice heard.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
3. She inspires others.                                                                                                              
   Through her He for She campaign she has   inspired others to learn and educate themselves about the inequalities around the world today.  Through her speaking her mind and standing up for what she believes in, she has inspired (such as me) to do the same.  She inspires by proving that standing up for what you believe in and being passionate is something we should all strive to do.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
4. She preaches and practices self-love.  Emma Watson prides herself on being her own person an loving that is different.  In fact, she wants everyone else to love themselves too.  She focuses her opinion on herself based solely on her own view of herself and not on what others may think.  She lives by the motto that she isn’t giving others or society the control to determine what she thinks of herself. This is a goal that I want to one day achieve and I think it is one of the most admirable traits of Emma Watson.

So, how does this make her an exemplary leader?  Well if it doesn’t go without saying,  Emma Watson has had a positive impact on tons of people, and continues to everyday.  Through her action she is creating more leaders to help make their own voices heard. Since she is an advocate for individuality she is inspiring others who do not necessarily have the same views as her, but is still wanting everyone to let their voice be heard.

How does she impact my life?  One day I hope to have inspired someone as much as Emma Watson as inspired me.  One of her passions, feminism, is something that I feel very passionate about as well, and through her actions and words I have learned a lot about what feminism is and how it can be interpreted to others.  She is a refreshing in terms of feminist role models in the country who are not necessarily political leaders.  The United States has many political leaders who are feminists, and lots of celebrities who claim to be.  However, Emma Watson is celebrity feminist who is practicing what she preaches and making a difference.  She isn’t saying she is a feminist for fame, she is doing it because she is passionate.

Another passion of Emma Watson’s is self-love.  This is something I have become extremely passionate about within the past year and moving to CMU.  I think a large part of being happy, having a healthy lifestyle, and helping others is having a healthy relationship with yourself.  Emma Watson gives great inspiration to others to allow them to love themselves.

I hope to continue my life and develop the leadership qualities that Emma Watson has.  She is a great role model for men, women, and young children.  I hope one day I can become a great role model too.  I can do this by improving on the qualities listed above.

Just because Emma Watson is amazing, here are some more of my fav quotes by her:

Get Connected, FOR FREE

As a part of LAS we got the opportunity to go to the Connections Conference at Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City, MI.  Though LAS goes to the conference, it is open to anyone on Central’s campus that would like to go.  When we got there the first night, we were introduced to the groups we would be working with over the course of the next two days and then were given free time to go to the waterpark!  The next day, we woke up early and got right to business on learning new information about leadership.  We were allowed to pick four different speakers we wanted to go to throughout Saturday.  I chose “Branching Out: Netflix and No Chill”, “Leadership Through the Eyes of Disney”, “Growing your roots”, and “Friendship in Leadership.”

“Branching Out: Netflix and No Chill” was one of my favorites out of the sessions.  It focused on disconnecting from social media and our technology in order to connect with others.  We ended by doing an activity where we colored leaves based on  how much we time we think we spend doing a certain activity.  There were six different branches and the leaves pertained to whatever theme branch they were on.  The six different branches were physical, spiritual, psychological, emotional, intellectual, and social.  I loved this activity because it help me realize that sometimes I need to focus on my own health both mentally and physically a little more.  This session focused a lot on not only connecting with others but connecting with yourself as well in order to keep yourself healthy.

“Leadership Through the Eyes of Disney” was really fun because I am a big Disney fan.  We first began with naming our five favorite Disney characters and then choosing which one we thought we identified with the most.  I chose Anna from Frozen because she is goofy and has a very optimistic look on the world.  I feel like her personality matches mine pretty well.  After that we picked our top 10 values that were eventually narrowed down to our number 1 value.  Mine was Family because I am extremely close with my family, and I believe that the value of family includes friendship, love, and trust.  After picking our value they had us think of the values of Disney character and see if the Disney character we chose would have the same value.  I was so shocked that I had never made the connection before that the thing me and Anna have most in common would be our most important value.  I liked the session a lot because something I hold very important in my life is my values, so I love whenever I get the opportunity to talk or think about them and what they mean to me.

“Growing your roots” is a session that dealt a lot with what you look for in a mentor, and what you need to be a successful mentor yourself.  I chose this one because I know in a year I will be a mentor to my LAS mentee, and I want to be able to be the best mentor I can be for them!  We spent a lot of time discussing who our role models are. I have a lot of very prevalent mentors in my life, so we discussed why they are our role models and what traits and things they do that help us in order for us to be able to understand what may work when we are mentors to others.

“Friendship in Leadership” was my other favorite out of the sessions.  The session used Harry Potter to help teach us about healthy relationships and leadership.  I love Harry Potter, so I knew I would enjoy this session when I picked it.  We learned what is known as “Comfort in, Dump Out”.  This basically shows us how to deal with tough situations and how they may be affecting us and others around us who are also dealing with the same situation.  The picture below shows how you should deal with the situations.  You should spend time comforting the people who are more inward on the circle, but you should only vent or explain your feelings of being hurt to people who are more outward of you on the circle.  We then did role playing with the Harry Potter characters where we were each assigned a character from the Goblet of Fire and were told to interact with each right after *SPOILER ALERT* Cedric is killed by Lord Voldemort! I was Cho Chang, so I could vent about how upset I was to everyone except for Amos(Cedric’s dad) and Harry.  However, the only two people who could vent to me were Amos and Harry.  This is more difficult in real life because it is harder to identify who is truly closer to a situation.  The “Comfort in, Dump out” ideology is a very useful method with having healthy relationships and learning how to be a source of comfort for others.

I learned a lot about not only how to connect better with my cohort, but also to be able to connect to other organizations on campus.  The things that I learned are things I can use in everyday life, especially the “comfort in, dump out” theory.  I feel as if I am more able to be conscious of others feelings in a situation with that theory in mind.  Overall, the Connections Conference was a blast, and I hope next year I can go back as a facilitator to help others enjoy the experience and learn as much as I did.